I pick up my work from SAM today and the crazy run of this show comes to an end. It is bittersweet; one the one hand I've achieved something I thought was decades away and yet I question whether my career is altered even minutely from the experience. I remain an unknown in SC; a place still trying to wrap its head around Modern art, much less contemporary art. I sometimes think post-impressionism is where most people lose their comprehension of art around these parts.
So the studio will be full this afternoon. I'm grappling with a very large 3-panel piece that is giving me logistical problems, and I'm climbing out of the Winter paralysis and lockout. As I re-enter the studio after nearly 3 months of restricted access, I suppose I question the point. All this time and money and energy spent; for what? For whom? And while there is a freedom in the fact that no one is watching and I may do as I please, there is also the discouragement in knowing that my game is so much higher than most of what I see around me; and yet is goes unseen.
And still I keep going.
The large painting is something I have to paint for me. I hope to return to the stations once I complete it. I may have to rebuild the stretcher frames as I cannot seem to correct the warping of one seam. It's frustrating and time-consuming but not unforeseen. With my wife's show opening next weekend, I cannot imagine being able to get much done this week.
The warmer nights are coming, however. I'll be back in full swing soon.
creation as an act of sheer will
We build fires in the night and look up into the stars. We have always built fires, alone, with small groups and in ritual. Sometimes we are one with the fire and night and stars and one another; but inevitably, someone comes along and wants to rule. They tell us the fire belongs to them. We should depend on this person, for our protection, for our quality of life, for our advancement, for our freedom. Milena have come and gone. The big man, the chief, the king, the pope, the dictator and all the rulers have tried to sell us the same bill of goods; that they know best, and lining their pockets with our gold is the only way to maintain life as we know it.
It has always been a lie. It is a lie today.
There is no Art World. There are small enclaves of very wealthy people engaged in speculation and some kind of visual product happens to be being traded. It looks a lot like art; and sometimes it happens to be, but none of these people notice. There are galleries along the streets of Chelsea and the Lower East Side and they are selling something that, sometimes, was made by hand in some studio by someone and these someone call themselves artists. These big auction houses and large and small galleries and dealers tell us artists that we need them. That they alone can make our lives worthwhile and we should seek them out and lay our gifts at their feet for judgment lest we risk lifelong obscurity and poverty and madness. It's a compelling and, at times, seductive argument. But we should never forget that we built the fires before they came along with their white walls and client lists. We stared and shouted in the night sky before the glittering lights of SoHo faded into Tribeca. We will make, long after they can no longer afford the rent. We will create without their audiences, -in obscurity, and madness and poverty if we must.
For us there is no business plan. There is only an imperative. We must make, and we must reach, and we must push out beyond the known and the possible because we alone know in our hearts that out in those regions we will build new fires and find new gods and build new worlds. That anyone who offers us freedom in exchange for anything isn't actually offering freedom at all.
There is nothing wrong with the art world. It lives in 200 sq foot studios in the flower district, and make-shift garages, and abandoned warehouses, and storage units, and extra (or not) bedrooms from coast to coast and across the world and it cannot be owned or regulated, and it is immune to your auction houses and soulless collections that collect dust for the sole purpose of making more money. It lives in the faces of the mad, the obscure and the poor in every city in this country and quite a few small towns and rural hamlets too. You will never see the greatest painting this nation has to offer. Those people will die and the work will not endure and great treasures will be lost. There are many, many things that wealth can never own. You don't have to be rich to collect art, that too is a lie.
We don't need. We want; and in our wanting we suffer. That is why people are given power; because we believe their lies that they can end our suffering.
I paint to reach the possible, which always lies just beyond the impossible, I think. I paint grand to see if I can do it. I stretch my physical and technical limitations because I believe that is the whole point of living; and that safety and security and comfort are slow, numb deaths that bring us nothing and surround us with so much that we don't even notice it anymore.
I may never have fame. I may never sell another painting in my lifetime. All my work may end up locked away and destroyed without seeing the light of day. But I will never quit. I cannot. I have tried and tried to walk away; there are better ways to not make a living, as the saying goes. I come back every time because if I do not paint I am diminished as a human soul. So I speak to every soul, whether they want to hear or not.
47 things I've learned in 47 years
I'm in the doldrums. Winter lingers and the placid sea merely offers buoyancy; no direction. I'm feeling introspective and so here it goes, in no particular order of significance....
- You can always change your mind. The road to change may not come easy, but there is no path from which you cannot diverge.
- Life is about relationships. Maintain them with the utmost care.
- Always be willing to step outside your comfort zone. The greatest moments of your life result from the unexpected detour, the choice you wanted to say no to but didn't.
- Buy the ticket, take the ride. See your decisions through and deal with the consequences.
- Things happen for a reason; sometimes that reason is piss-poor judgement, bad luck or lack of perspective. Learn from these moments and move on.
- Follow your bliss.
- Trust your visions.
- No one can give you answers, but seek out people whom you believe can anyway. You'll probably end up calling each other friends for life.
- Every problem hides a kernel of wisdom. Break it apart. Use a hammer if you need to, but discover whatever it is you're supposed to learn from it.
- Sometimes we act, sometimes we are acted upon. There are equal merits to either condition.
- Treat every person you meet with respect and dignity and you will meet god many times over.
- Everyone should have one shitty job in their life. A job where you serve people and are made to feel invisible. There is a clarity from this experience that nothing else offers.
- Your relationship with money is just that; decide whether it is a long or short term, honest, caring, abusive or destructive, and act accordingly. If you don't like the results, learn to have a different relationship.
- Buy the best shoes you can afford and care for them.
- Become a snob about one thing, but don't be obnoxious about it.
- Do something you will never be great at; this is called a hobby. It should be fun and utterly pointless.
- Always take a job to learn before you take a job to earn.
- Learn more about money than your accountant.
- Be in better shape than your doctor.
- Your body is the greatest gift you'll ever receive, treat it well.
- Life is an endurance sport, not a sprint. Watch your friends and peers revolve on the wheel of fortune and you will understand this. Stick around, it doesn't get easier but you get better at it.
- Dress your age, but dress well; how you act is up to you, but own where you are in life.
- Go to New York. Often.
- Ride roller coasters.
- Finger paint with your kids and make a mess. You'll remember why it's fun.
- Drive a stick shift.
- Keep a journal. You don't have to write every day, but you should write at least one entry a week.
- Get a really nice pen.
- Drink water. Lots of water.
- Exercise as often as you can, no one is too busy to take care of themselves.
- Travel for good friends, good conversation and good experiences.
- If your best friend calls and needs you to come, go without hesitation.
- Do not buy into other people's emotional states or drama.
- Read great books. Seriously. Even if it takes you a year to read a great novel, you join a society once you do. You understand metaphors and you get references. This simple act makes you smarter and opens doors in ways you cannot conceive.
- Have a drink with your father-in-law and listen to him.
- Bad things happen to most people. What defines us is how we respond to these moments.
- Discuss religion and politics if you must, but turn the conversation toward BBQ or college football in the South and you should be ready for fist-to-cuffs.
- See great art in person. Art is meant to be experienced live.
- Cultivate yourself. Ignorance is a treatable condition.
- Take walks. Don't take your phone, don't wear headphones, don't do it for exercise, just take a damn walk; preferably in the woods, but anyplace outside will do.
- Get out of bed when you wake up. The snooze button is for losers. My first hour of the day is an amazing personal time where I collect my thoughts and put on my skin for what lies ahead. I'd rather get up in the dark than get a little extra sleep and try to catch up with myself for the rest of the day. I always feel there is something profound about seeing the sun rise.
- Learn to cook. You will never be without friends.
- Cultivate one noticeable flaw, but otherwise be your best.
- Make a bucket list and start checking it off.
- Eat local food; no matter where you go.
- Love with abandon, live with purpose.
- The journey is the destination.
rain and oil
study for Prometheus, oil stick on paper, 2014
My drawing practice has recently returned, largely in part to being frozen out of my studio and my wife's aggressive rehearsal schedule. I draw in negative; the images I get down are flipped in my mind's eye. The whites are black and blacks white. I've tried working on black paper, but over the holidays I started using paint sticks in various shades of black and I've been very happy with the process.
I get images from everywhere, and lately I've been appropriating photographs from the various Tumblr feeds I check-in on daily. I confess that I've become addicted to Tumblr, I like the idea of scrolling through hundreds of images with little or no text. It's a feast for a visually-oriented person like me.
I'm taking a break from the stations series to paint another painting or two. It's not like anyone is busting down my studio door demanding the work for a show anyway, so I am happy to go at my own pace and wander in and out of the series at will. Maybe I also need a psychological break from the all-black fields, who knows?
That's the way art goes, I think. Changing one thing makes something else occur to me. Then I'll go explore that new idea. I've said it many times, but work comes from work. Painters paint, actors act, musicians play music. There are enough waiters and waitresses in the world; do what you have to do to keep your dream alive, but don't buy into the means as the end. Anyone can keep working if they are successful. Those of us who work without concern for recognition or money and keep at it are a different breed. I've been fortunate with getting my work into the world and even selling it. But I do it because, try as I might some times, I cannot not do it.
Today is a work holiday and I'm off to the studio to smoke a cigar and enjoy the rain.
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