tuesday

The temperature have plummeted into the low 80's. The cicadas are currently winning the battle of the bands against the tree frogs. I'm in the rear gardens, smoking a cigar, drinking very good whiskey and at peace.

The dream is self-sufficiency from art alone. It is possible, I've seen it done; most recently this past weekend visiting a local artist's home/studio. How do I get there from here? The journey has been long. Sometimes I'm tired. I've tried to quit it, live a "normal" life with all the time afforded those in my situation who don't work the second shift in a studio somewhere. It's empty to me. To live there is to live in the void, neither living nor having the courage to die.

I have a laundry list of faults. At my age, who doesn't? I'm prideful, arrogant in an ineffective manner and hopelessly inept at self-promotion. I know the work is kick-ass. I don't need to compare it because it has no comparison, and locker room competition never interested me anyway. I simply want to make something true and sublime and mind-blowing. I want that random someone, -much smarter than I to see what I do and suddenly connect the dots and go out and change the world. That's what my life is for. That is why I am here.

I've been out of the studio for a time, interrupted with life and it's distractions. I'm always questioning why. I'm always holding the work up to the light of day and asking myself if it is to that point. These times away are ultimately positive; they kick my ass and I go back in with everything. The acetic. The voice in the wilderness. I'm even growing the beard to match my internal self at the moment. At least I have my sense of humor.

I hate artist's blogs that don't show any work. I long to be silent and post the work, yet, I find myself needing this outlet and damn the collateral damage if it be so.

I had a date with my daughters today; a movie, some shopping at one of their favorite stores, time together with puzzles and Daddy and maybe forming memories which can be a bedrock to the lives they are embarking upon.

Live without apology.
Family comes first.
Relentlessly pursue your dreams and make them real.
No regrets.
Ever.