painter, interrupted

As much as I would like to weigh in on the death of bin Laden, patriotism and the like, I shall attempt to stay on topic. I will simply suggest that readers Google quotes on patriotism and reflect on what they find. I love this country, but I have issue with flag-waving nationalism. I'm an artist; perhaps on a fundamental level I'm simply not a "joiner" and thus I have trouble understanding such mentalities. I do not rejoice in the death of any man, but I hope this event gives some closure to the families and friends of those who died nearly ten years ago, and I hope it contributes to overall healing of the city I so love.

We've had back-t0-back in-law visits, my wife's father is leaving tonight. I love his visits, but I end up staying up entirely too late, drinking entirely too much and it shoots all our schedules to hell. He's a real gentleman and we volley about politics and exchange suggestions for books and discuss jazz. As one would assume, our politics are very different but we're able to explore the topics with civility. I have to wonder why, if we can do it, our elected leaders seemingly cannot.

My injury has also been a factor in my decreased studio time as I can't stand for long periods of time yet. But it is time to get back to work. I have many unresolved canvases at the moment that require attention. The good thing is that everything should be nice and dry and I can varnish.

I love painting. When I am away from it, it is as if there is a hole in my life. I hope I can do it all my life; that my eyes and hands hold out into my old age (if indeed I am to grow old). The studio is never wasted time, and I cannot say that for much of daily life except time spent with my daughters. A friend sent me a video of some news commentator calling out Rush Limbaugh for waxing theological, and that was 5 minutes of my life that are never coming back.

I generally avoid the "news". This is harder than it seems, so I'm distantly aware of most major events without really trying to be. The only story I've followed with any intensity has been the economic collapse and the relatively unmodified behavior of the financial sector since. I've said many times that I don't have an interest in making art that overtly comments on politics or culture or identity; instead I consider the act of making art to be inherently political.

I have anxieties that the current work is too derivative. I wrestle with doubts, as always; doubts of my worth as a painter, doubts about the significance of the work. Doubt can be good. Consuming, paralyzing doubt is not good. The way I deal with doubts and insecurities is to go to work. Getting in the studio and painting through it and facing failure in the face is the best way to deal with it all.

I desperately need an uninterrupted few days of working right now. I feel there is something happening if I can simply be present for it.