staying the course

Sometimes, momentum is all there is. I can't always see the goals I've set, the points to which I tell myself I am navigating. I get up, I come to work, and I don't have a valid reason or promise of reward other than the fact that action inevitably brings forth action. If you keep putting your feet forward, you are walking; and if you keep walking, you'll get somewhere.

I'm faced with an unforeseen option in my non-art life; a possibility I casually pursued out of a complete lack of knowing what to do. As I follow-through on it over the next few weeks, there will be a great deal of soul-searching and discussion with family. But the inner refrain that keeps repeating itself is that I am nearly 45 and have never made life decisions solely about money, so it is somewhat suspect to attempt to do so now.

Back in the studio, the assignment was fairly simple and I accepted it; paint 50 canvases of uniform size and in factory-like succession. It is zen-like exercise in repetition for the sake of observing my own mind and process, while equally allowing that process to be free from judgment. So far, so good.

If I abandon now, even temporarily, I wonder what will be lost. I am watching this patchwork of paintings appear before me, and each week it grows larger and more intricate. I'm managing an unprecedented amount of frugality and fiscal responsibility in my external life in order to keep tubes of paint and bottles of medium on the table. This uninterrupted surge is not even half complete, but I feel in my heart that it is having much of the impact I had hoped for. Working in this way has opened up the unexpected as well, and sharpened my instincts to be able to seize on those moments to better effect.

I am also coming to terms with just how much my beach week and all that I saw and experienced is working its way into the work. I worked on the large piece today and it has become (for the moment) a seascape; undeniably and uncharacteristically literal. The arrival at this picture has been anything but intentional; other than the intention to continue to work on it. The subconscious has asserted itself independently and rather forcefully. Message to self: I long for the water.

Before the summer is over, I plan to go surfing; something I have not done in over a decade. I may have succeeded in convincing my daughters to go to surf camp next summer, the 3 of us could do together. For however long we are this close to the coast, I want to develop and encourage their love of water. I also want to dispel fear whenever possible, and to build confidence.

For my own part, I am staying the course for now. Having tomorrow off means I can get back in here tonight and work late.